Gotta make a move

I’ve been putting off writing about my marriage/separation. It’s something I avoid in real life, too. I just feel I have so much going on, I don’t want to deal with it; but push has come to shove and it’s finally time.

We’ve been apart for more than two years, since I suddenly just moved out of the bedroom and started sleeping on the sofa. We’d steadily drifted apart over time, and it seemed the inevitable next step. We tried marriage counseling, but I think the time had already passed for that before we thought to try it. It just didn’t work.

He moved to his parents’ while they were out of the country, but when they returned he stayed on. That lasted about a year and a half, until he had some sort of panic attack or something and his therapist said it was unhealthy for him to be living with his parents. So he moved back into the house. By then, my youngest daughter had moved out to be with her boyfriend, so I moved into her room. We’re able to get along fairly well, so it’s not too horrible, but it is definitely stressful.

I feel like (other than that tiny room) I have no safe haven. The house is 1,200 square feet, so it’s hard to find privacy. K has been the most affected by his return, because they don’t have the greatest relationship. He actually tries, but he just rubs K the wrong way. He has a hard time with the GID part of her being transgender and can’t quite wrap his head around why she can’t just get a job. So the stress level in the house is quite high.

I sometimes think my medications aren’t helping me, because I’m so depressed, but then I think about everything I’m dealing with at once and realize they’re probably the only reason I’m somewhat functional. My main focus has been on my girls and my parents; honestly, I literally have had the thought that I just can’t deal with the marriage thing, and I’ve shoved it to the back of my mind. But now that he’s living here again, it’s constantly in my face and I can see how it’s putting an enormous strain on K, so I finally need to deal with it.

I had an appointment with an attorney last week, so now I have a game plan. I want us to be able to divide assets as soon as possible, because I hope to find a place for K and me up near my parents. They’re about 25 minutes north of where we live now. Getting out and getting a fresh start in a new place will be one positive thing in all the negative. We’ve barely been paying the bills as it is so there will be added financial stress, but I think we can figure out ways to shave expenses and come up with a budget we can live with.

Crazy how it seems everything happens at once.