Just…ughhh

Really hard to stay positive lately…probably why I haven’t put up anything new in a while. I meant this blog as a place to sort my thoughts, clear my head, vent, whatever. But when I noticed people were actually reading it, I got a little self-conscious and started worrying about putting people off with all my problems. I’ve just had all I can do lately to keep my head up and keep pushing through, and you (at least, I do) typically pull back and avoid communicating much when that happens. But yeah, I guess I finally figured, this is my blog, I need to get this shit out somewhere, so I’m layin’ it all out there.

Everything is just bad right now. I’m getting fewer hours at work, which is kinda okay because I’m able to spend more time with my parents, but bad because I’m not gonna be able to pay the bills. I spent this afternoon with my mother because Daddy had a doctor appointment. I unpacked her suitcase–they’ve been back for almost a week–and she talked to me about what she wants at her memorial service. She weighs under 75 pounds now. The last time I was there, I noticed they seemed short-tempered with each other, and hoped it was just a bad day. But I noticed it again today. After his appointment, and after Mama’s nap, he told us the doctor gave him anxiety medication. I hope that helps, because I don’t want to have to sit my parents down and have a talk with them about being kind to each other. After he told us about his appointment, the two of them started in on the topic of K and wanting her to be responsible and get a job. They kept using masculine pronouns and calling her by her old name. I explained K’s situation to them (again) as carefully but clearly as I could and felt fairly good about their attitudes by the time I left. It just felt like such a setback–I’d had the feeling they understood everything, and it was discouraging to have to go through all that with them again.

It’s bad at work because literally my three favourite people there, most especially the one person who knows about K and has been such a source of strength for me, all are leaving within the next few weeks. I’ve been putting in applications, but everything is done online these days and I have yet to receive a call from an online application in a solid year of trying. I seriously need full-time work (full-time pay) so hopefully something will work out for me soon.

But what’s mostly bad is the situation with my ex-to-be living back in the house. That’s probably why I’m having a much harder time staying positive. I have no safe haven, as I keep saying. The stress level in the house is so high. As Jayne said in Firefly, he is damaging my calm. I downloaded a hypnotherapy app that is supposedly helping me reduce anxiety and stress…if it has, I’d hate to think how I’d be doing without it. He doesn’t understand K and has very little tolerance for her, and K simply can’t stand her dad. For the most part we stay in our separate rooms, but every couple of days or so, he’ll talk to me about the same old complaints until I can feel the top of my head starting to blow off, then I make some kind of excuse and leave.

Yeah, I’ve written all this out and I can’t say I feel any better. And to think I was so positive a few weeks ago.

Advertisements

Mother’s Life

It’s not just a day! 😉

A hard thing I’ve learned is not all mothers are loving and nurturing. Working in close proximity to social workers and psychologists, I learned of children who were in unhealthy environments and, to my despair, children who were neglected. It broke my heart to see these gorgeous children who were as skittish as a kicked puppy, and who rarely, if ever, smiled. I learned I don’t have the kind of strength to see that on a daily basis. God bless the social workers and others who make this their life’s work.

Every day, from the time I knew I had another life inside me, I have been a mother. I have actively loved my children; that is, loved them in the sense that love is a verb–by not just telling them, but showing them in all my actions. I stopped working and became a stay-at-home mom. I made sure they had books and outings and visits with relatives and friends; and thank goodness it was the pre-mobile device era, because when I took them out for a walk with the stroller, we talked. We talked and talked, about everything we saw. We took time to stop and chat with friendly neighbours. Sometimes I stopped walking and went around to the front of the stroller, so I could look them in the eyes as we conversed.

My kids have always known that when they need me, I am there. When I’m reading and one of them needs to talk, I put down my book. I give them my full attention. I went into motherhood knowing this was going to be the most important thing I’d have to do for the next 21 years, and then for the rest of my life. And I am so glad to have this “job”–it is the best part of my life.

I realise as I write this it sounds an awful lot like bragging, and isn’t that a shame? Because this isn’t and shouldn’t be considered over-the-top “mom behaviour”– this should just be how it is when you make the decision to become a mother. I don’t consider that I am special at all. In fact, the list of ways I’m sure I’ve failed my kids, and the list of mistakes I’ve made, are both quite long. I think of the things I’ve written above, the positive things, to help console myself about all the failures. And at the end of the day, the thing that helps me most is knowing that, whatever I’ve done wrong, and however I may have screwed up, at the very least they know they are loved.