Just…ughhh

Really hard to stay positive lately…probably why I haven’t put up anything new in a while. I meant this blog as a place to sort my thoughts, clear my head, vent, whatever. But when I noticed people were actually reading it, I got a little self-conscious and started worrying about putting people off with all my problems. I’ve just had all I can do lately to keep my head up and keep pushing through, and you (at least, I do) typically pull back and avoid communicating much when that happens. But yeah, I guess I finally figured, this is my blog, I need to get this shit out somewhere, so I’m layin’ it all out there.

Everything is just bad right now. I’m getting fewer hours at work, which is kinda okay because I’m able to spend more time with my parents, but bad because I’m not gonna be able to pay the bills. I spent this afternoon with my mother because Daddy had a doctor appointment. I unpacked her suitcase–they’ve been back for almost a week–and she talked to me about what she wants at her memorial service. She weighs under 75 pounds now. The last time I was there, I noticed they seemed short-tempered with each other, and hoped it was just a bad day. But I noticed it again today. After his appointment, and after Mama’s nap, he told us the doctor gave him anxiety medication. I hope that helps, because I don’t want to have to sit my parents down and have a talk with them about being kind to each other. After he told us about his appointment, the two of them started in on the topic of K and wanting her to be responsible and get a job. They kept using masculine pronouns and calling her by her old name. I explained K’s situation to them (again) as carefully but clearly as I could and felt fairly good about their attitudes by the time I left. It just felt like such a setback–I’d had the feeling they understood everything, and it was discouraging to have to go through all that with them again.

It’s bad at work because literally my three favourite people there, most especially the one person who knows about K and has been such a source of strength for me, all are leaving within the next few weeks. I’ve been putting in applications, but everything is done online these days and I have yet to receive a call from an online application in a solid year of trying. I seriously need full-time work (full-time pay) so hopefully something will work out for me soon.

But what’s mostly bad is the situation with my ex-to-be living back in the house. That’s probably why I’m having a much harder time staying positive. I have no safe haven, as I keep saying. The stress level in the house is so high. As Jayne said in Firefly, he is damaging my calm. I downloaded a hypnotherapy app that is supposedly helping me reduce anxiety and stress…if it has, I’d hate to think how I’d be doing without it. He doesn’t understand K and has very little tolerance for her, and K simply can’t stand her dad. For the most part we stay in our separate rooms, but every couple of days or so, he’ll talk to me about the same old complaints until I can feel the top of my head starting to blow off, then I make some kind of excuse and leave.

Yeah, I’ve written all this out and I can’t say I feel any better. And to think I was so positive a few weeks ago.

Gotta make a move

I’ve been putting off writing about my marriage/separation. It’s something I avoid in real life, too. I just feel I have so much going on, I don’t want to deal with it; but push has come to shove and it’s finally time.

We’ve been apart for more than two years, since I suddenly just moved out of the bedroom and started sleeping on the sofa. We’d steadily drifted apart over time, and it seemed the inevitable next step. We tried marriage counseling, but I think the time had already passed for that before we thought to try it. It just didn’t work.

He moved to his parents’ while they were out of the country, but when they returned he stayed on. That lasted about a year and a half, until he had some sort of panic attack or something and his therapist said it was unhealthy for him to be living with his parents. So he moved back into the house. By then, my youngest daughter had moved out to be with her boyfriend, so I moved into her room. We’re able to get along fairly well, so it’s not too horrible, but it is definitely stressful.

I feel like (other than that tiny room) I have no safe haven. The house is 1,200 square feet, so it’s hard to find privacy. K has been the most affected by his return, because they don’t have the greatest relationship. He actually tries, but he just rubs K the wrong way. He has a hard time with the GID part of her being transgender and can’t quite wrap his head around why she can’t just get a job. So the stress level in the house is quite high.

I sometimes think my medications aren’t helping me, because I’m so depressed, but then I think about everything I’m dealing with at once and realize they’re probably the only reason I’m somewhat functional. My main focus has been on my girls and my parents; honestly, I literally have had the thought that I just can’t deal with the marriage thing, and I’ve shoved it to the back of my mind. But now that he’s living here again, it’s constantly in my face and I can see how it’s putting an enormous strain on K, so I finally need to deal with it.

I had an appointment with an attorney last week, so now I have a game plan. I want us to be able to divide assets as soon as possible, because I hope to find a place for K and me up near my parents. They’re about 25 minutes north of where we live now. Getting out and getting a fresh start in a new place will be one positive thing in all the negative. We’ve barely been paying the bills as it is so there will be added financial stress, but I think we can figure out ways to shave expenses and come up with a budget we can live with.

Crazy how it seems everything happens at once.