So I was gone for a long time. Not sure if I’m actually “back,” as in, will be posting at regular intervals. I initially started this just for me, to get thoughts out and sort of as therapy, never thinking about getting followers (friends!) who might check in from time to time. So to those of you who were following me and offering support when I first started here–thank you, and I’m sorry if I let you down, but I didn’t want this blog to be one more “have-to” or pressure in my life…quite the opposite. That said, it means a lot that you are out there, that you do check in and care, and please know I care about you, too, even though it doesn’t seem like it when I disappear for months at a time!
My mother died last year on July 6. Things got very busy for me after that last post. She did check into hospice, the day after that post, in fact, and she never went home. Her decline was very rapid. We called my brother and he was able to spend her last lucid days with her; the morning after he left was the last time she seemed to be aware of us. She died the following day.
As it’s always all about me I have been trying not to think about how much it concerns/upsets me that I haven’t really cried. I don’t know if I’m in denial and still haven’t accepted that she’s not coming back; or if, because we had talked all along and been so close, she had prepared me, and maybe I’m at peace about it; or possibly the antidepressants just aren’t letting me fully feel things or cry. Again, I try not to worry…everyone tells me people all grieve differently so maybe I just have a weird way of dealing with it.
Anyway, in days to come I hope to come here some more and talk a little bit about my daughters, my home situation, my Dad, etc., because I have a lot of issues around those topics, too, and I feel the need to organize my thoughts; my brain feels so cobwebby lately, and I’m hoping that getting back to spewing some of this stuff out will help me clear my head, and at the same time maybe get things back into perspective.